A new species was discovered living at the Ash Creek Wildlife
Area. The creature was first discovered when it entered Rich
Fitzer's Roundup Bar in Bieber and
attempted to order a drink.
Mr. Fitzer said that a strange new creature entered the Roundup Bar
on the night of March 30 and ordered a "wet marini" made with
swampwater. Fitzer said "When this greenish creature came in to
my bar about 10 P.M. and asked for a drink I asked to see some
identification first. He was green and smelled damp and musty, a
little stronger but not much different from my normal customers.
When he produced identification it indicated that he was over 250 years
old, but unfortunately the identification was an endangered species
card issued in state of Alabama. I informed him that I could not
legally serve him a drink. The creature then asked where he could
locate some young virgins. I informed him that it was unlikely
that there were any in the area. He left quietly but left a
puddle of water on the floor which my wife, Anna, had to mop up."
The local sheriff commented that even though the creature posed a
threat to the community their hands were tied as it was an endangered
species. The best advice they could give was that citizens should
keep their doors and windows locked and not panic, at least until April
2. "If the creature threatens you in any way, please
call the Department of Fish and Game between the hours of 8AM and 4 PM.
and someone might respond. Don't call 911, don't call us!"
A later interview with the swamp creature near his home at the
Wildlife Area confirmed that he is indeed over 250 years old. His
birthdate is listed as April 1, 1747, making him 258 years old.
The swamp creature gave his name as "Ralph" but had no last name.
He stated that he intended to stay in the area and only travel south
for a vacation during the very cold winters. He also indicated
that that he ate mostly frogs, ducks, smaller birds and the occasional
young human virgin. He said that he would try to remain private
and hidden and did not expect to be much of a problem to the community.
If you have ever wished to become an endangered species, several
scholarships to an "endangered species school" are available from Big
Valley News. There you will learn all about what it takes to become
endangred. Contact Big Valley News for more information.